“Do The Work”! - Genuine Help Or Control?
An unpopular opinion: Your environment is important in HOW you do your work! But, is all feedback useful?
Others’ comfort, validation, or fear should not dictate how far you’re willing to go in your own evolution. If it does, it easily turns into control and manipulation, not genuine help and support.
Equally, if you recognise that your healing, truth, or growth is performative, externalized, or dependent on others’ approval, then any “giving” or “service” that follows will be contaminated by your need, your ego, or your codependency.
It may sound harsh, but as you probably know, real results require radical self-honesty. For all of us.
The helper
The same mirror applies. If you truly want to help others without ego, you must first surrender the need to control how they grow.
You must be willing to:
• Listen without correcting.
• Support without molding.
• Witness without claiming credit.
True help isn’t shaping someone into your ideal. It’s holding a space where their soul can unfold even if it challenges your ego, your timing, or your comfort zone.
Shadow work, anyone? Here are a few basic tips:
• Face the part of you that wants to “fix” others to soothe your own fear, pride, or insecurity.
• Confront the part of you that feels safer when people agree with your path.
• Acknowledge the impulse to be “the hero,” “the savior,” or “the enlightened one” and gently dissolve it.
Real service comes not from standing above someone. It comes from standing beside them with humility, patience, and real love.
And it takes practice.
Doing your own “work“...
When you’ve genuinely done “your work“: met your pain, your joy, your accountability, etc. then what you offer to others comes clean.
It’s not projection, it’s presence.
Not control, but contribution.
That’s when it truly becomes about the other in a healthy way. Without losing yourself.
“The work” becomes about the other only after it has become fully about you.
Not in a selfish way, but in a rooted way.
You only lose yourself in others when you’ve never fully met yourself first.
Let’s dive deeper….
Is anyone perfect enough not to control and manipulate?
The short answer is no. From a cultural and primal survival standpoint, some degree of control and influence is natural.
Culturally, every society builds some shared norms to function. Influence and expectation are part of living together. Primal survival-wise, humans evolved to read, influence, and belong to their groups because isolation historically meant death. The drive to shape others (even unconsciously) is deeply wired into the human nervous system.
True self-awareness isn’t about becoming “perfectly free” from all influence; it’s about recognising when your need for control crosses into dishonesty, projection, or coercion and choosing to realign.
How to stay responsible
How not to fall into the pitfall of creating excuses (“you’re controlling me”) when someone doesn’t want to grow or change?This is crucial. There’s a real difference between control and mutual impact in relationships. When someone uses “you’re controlling me!” as a shield to avoid accountability, they weaponize freedom to dodge growth.
In reality, all relationships require responsibility. Freedom isn’t about doing whatever you want without regard for others. It’s about acting with awareness of how your actions ripple outward and adjusting when needed.
Take away:
Healthy individuality balances sovereignty and responsibility. You don’t lose yourself to others, but you also don’t pretend your actions exist in a vacuum.
