On Comparison, Community, And The Courage to Go Your Own Way

This will be a short one but I think, deeply timely. One thing I’ve really learned on this path of individuation and self-actualisation, and honestly it took a lot of falling apart and deep introspection, is this: you can’t compare yourself to anyone else. It’s tempting, especially when you grew up without role models or healthy frameworks. But it’s a trap, and it only feeds the parts of us that feel not enough.

When that inner void shows up, the real work is to start reparenting that part of you. To practice self-soothing your way, without shame, without that inner voice saying you’re silly or weak for needing it (which often comes from many inner critics that aren’t even ours).

It also means learning to sit with yourself without constant judgment. Messing up is part of being human. If you aren’t making mistakes, you aren’t living.

And accountability - this is a huge one! - is not about blame. It’s about maturity. It’s about being able to say: “Here is my part in this story.” Because we are social beings. We ripple into others’ lives whether we want to or not. That’s also part of the work: to ripple consciously.

I always come back to this quote by Cole Arthur Riley:

This lands so deeply, especially in the context of shadow work. Because too often what is presented as “spiritual growth” is actually bypass, a polished version of self-soothing that avoids the harder, messier work of true transformation.

Real spirituality and real shadow work cannot stop at the edges of self-comfort. It must ripple outward, in how we engage with others and with the world. And for that, nuance, accountability, and individuation are not optional. They are the core.

And this is also why I think so many communities today end up becoming performative or subtly oppressive, even when their language is spiritual. There’s a collective shadow at play here: the urge to judge, to play uninvited authority, to enforce hidden hierarchies of who is “healed enough” or “high vibe enough.” It’s spiritual comparison culture in disguise and it feeds ego more than it fosters growth.

Why are people drawn to these groups? Because when the inner self still aches for belonging or approval, the promise of an “enlightened” in-group can feel safer than the uncertainty of true individuation. But this path asks more of us: to stand apart when needed, to think critically, and to engage with others from authenticity, not performance.

It’s human, though. We’ve all felt the pull of wanting to belong somewhere, especially when the work is hard. The point isn’t to shame that, it’s to stay “awake”/aware to it.

This is also where nuance becomes not just helpful, but essential. Nuance is another layer. Learning it. Accepting it. Living with it. The ego hates nuance because nuance means we can’t cling to easy labels or right/wrong narratives.

But nuance is one of the strongest tools we have for walking through life with actual wisdom. It softens the nervous system. It deepens empathy.

Without it, we can’t hold the complexity of real growth in both ourselves and in others. We fall back into judgment, binaries, and spiritual performance.

Nuance is what makes liberation possible because it lets us see the full humanity beneath the surface.

And eventually? Nuance brings us peace. It allows us to sit across from someone and say:

“I see the lover in you, and I see the villain too. And I can hold both with compassion because I’ve met both in myself.”

This is the heart of the work: learning to stand with yourself fully. That’s why, for me, individuation will always be the ground I return to. One layer at a time, one breath at a time.